All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

Go insane.

2009-03-27T08:14:20Z

I should never think
What's in your heart
What's in our home
So I Won't

You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh Love
So call me by my name

And save your soul
save your soul
Before you're too far gone
Before nothing can be done

I'll try to decide where
She'll lie in the end
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
Tell you to hold off
You choose to hold on
It's the one thing that I've known

Once I put my coat on
I'm coming out of this all wrong
She's standing outside holding me
Saying oh please
I'm in love
I'm in love

Girl save your soul
Go on save your soul
Before it's too far gone
And before nothing can be done

'Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on

Im seriously confused about everything!
Im not even sure what to think.
I dont know what to do.
I think I should just stay single or something?
I dont know.
UGH.

But..

2009-03-11T08:08:22Z

I love him..

Content.

2009-03-03T08:42:40Z

Im feeling well right now, I started my out-patient drug classes. I met some really cool people there, mostly guys. Some are really cute! haha. I got ones number, we're suppose to go out to coffee or something. Man, I just wanna boyfriend or a girlfriend, Im tired of being lonely! It fuckin sucks. I just want something real. Something special. Im stoked to see Justin tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well. Tomorrows 80's day so im dressing up hahaha. Damn. I still have a bitch ass cough. I hate it. Anyways, I miss some people in my life. I miss Deb, shes ignoring me or something, she doesnt really talk to me anymore. Which is kinda sad, but oh well. Grr. Uhm, nothings really new just a lil foggy in the mind. I've been feeling kinda bloo. But over all, life is pretty chill. Im happy with were Im at in it. I got like thirty something days clean which is bomb! Im not sure what else to write, haha. Im pretty bored right now. Ehh, I started up my new myspace. Im actually 'talking talking' to a few people. Just not really the right ones. I keep getting the bitch-nigga ones. UGH the fuck is wrong with me. How lame. I want someone absolutly wonderful!!!

Solid grounding.

2009-01-21T01:10:24Z

Im feeling just a little better now.
I dont have my phone.
I havent gone out side.
Im trapped.
I miss Melissa!
I started writing my new book!
Im so excited for it,
its going great!
Life is feeling pretty good.
I recorded The Doors movie today
Bush is finally out
Obama is now in.
:D

Buddhist

2009-01-17T01:10:33Z

Not killing
Not stealing
Not misusing sex
Not lying
Not abusing intoxicants

The End, my friends

2009-01-16T20:39:50Z

Im not sure what to think of myself. Me & my mother have been fighting so much lately.. Well, cause I've been lying to her, doing drugs behind her back, drinking in the house, just doing some fucked up shit. Ever since I opened up to her, she totally took advantage of my weakness, drugs. She doesnt trust me, she doesnt want me talking to any fucking one. She tries telling me who I do like and who I dont like, who I love and who I dont love. Its not her heart, its mine. Know one will ever know where my heart lies, cause I am ME, there not me!

This year, I told myself that I wasnt going to let anything get in the way of me being happy. That I wouldnt get truely sad. That I wouldnt get truely hurt. That my happiness would go on all year, even in trouble, I would not let anything get in the way, NOTHING. I proved myself so wrong. My heart aches, it bleeds, it hurts, it cries, it screams, it beats slowly now. It doesnt want to go on, it just wants to be in peace. I dont want to live anymore. I dont want to go on living the life of a drug addict, or of an alcoholic. I dont want to live this way. Im afraid of living, afraid of getting out of bed, afraid of waking up and walking out the door. I feel that the only thing coming my way is unhappiness and trouble. Every little thing I do, I get in trouble for it. I just want to run away, I want to get the fuck out of here. I cant live this way anymore. Im tired of feeling the pain, of letting down my family.. and most of all, my own fucking mother. I love her, i really do.. Im just tired of hurting her, and I dont know how to change my own ways.. I dont want to let her down, but it just ends up happening..

No one understands the way i feel, my mother says she knows but she doesnt know anything about me.. She doesnt know the hurt I have in my heart, know one knows.. Just me. My body hurts, and I never ever thought i could feel this way again. That my heart would completely fall of my chest and into my hands.. It did, and now i dont even know how to fix it. I dont know what to do this time. If i knew, me running away wouldnt be a problem, that know one would care, that my mom wouldnt hunt me down, that she wouldnt try to find me, i would leave this world. I would love to get away from all this madness. I need to get away! I dont know how I can survive this any longer. I dont know what happened to me..

I lost my bestfriend, I know I did. We still talk but not as much anymore. I know, that I will always love her, I just cant deal with all this madness.. I dont want to leak any of my bad energy or anything on her or anyone. I only surround myself with all these junkies and all these different people who just want a trip, who just want to get a kick out of something so devious. I just want to.. feel the end. If I could, I would be high all the time, and I would want to not even give a fuck. Just waist my days being high, and fucked up or drunk off my ass. I want that. I want to not beable to give a fuck about the world. Well WAKE UP JADE, thats never going to happen. My heart doesnt work that way, its too fragil and huge to beable to do that to someone. I just wish I could disapear, and go somewhere beautiful and quiet.

I dont know whats going to happen.. I guess either I make it or I dont..
Farewell.

Maps

2009-01-14T05:32:41Z

I dont know what to think, or believe anymore.
I dont know this monster I've become,
But I dont like it.
The drugs, the the alcohol, the lies, the wanting to die.
How I hate me.

Where is my mind

2008-12-27T02:44:29Z

So Christmas was good! I was thizzing, know one knew, accept my cousin Randy. I can trust him though so Its all good. I got a badass coat from my Nina Ct! Only a few members of my familia went to my grandparents, so it was kinda sad. But then i dont know, I had some what of a good time. Although I felt bad for doing lines in my grandparents bathroom. Oh yeah, Im back to my old habits again, smokin weed, drinking, rollin on E. I love it though. So me and Raquel made love the night before christmas eve.. it was sweet. We got so fucking drunk it was crazy! It was sweet, it was my first time going down a girls pants.. And of course it was her first time even kissing a girl. we also ate eachother out.. It was all sweet. I really love her. Its weird cause I see Spam, and I would usually just wanna have sex with her, but I havent been wanting too.. I seen her lastnight, I did a line at home before I went out and then at our friend Corrinas house in her bathroom, then we got high. I had fun though! I've been enjoying myself, I mean, I love my drugs and alcohol It seems nothings gone wrong yet. So im still sticking to it. Lastnight I came in at two in the morning. Spam made me a tyedye shirt its so cute! & She put it in a box full of cheeseits and bandaids and crayons. It was the cutest thing ever!! I've been having some great memories. Even with Niya. We were rollin at school too. And then went and bought cocaine and its all been hella chill. I love my life right now. All though, I hate knowing my drugs will run out and I have no money )): New years is coming up! Hella excited for that! I do love my life right now, I hate it cause the only reason I love it is because the drugs, but then, i think its okay. Whatever. I woke up at five today, haha. Crazy shit. I dont know what im going to do with Spam, I wanna be with her, but then I have Raquel.. But shes all whipped over Kenny. I dont know, Im not even gonna trip off any chicks or guys.. Oh yeah, I've been talking to Mick again, and old feelings have kinda came back. Whatever happends happeneds. Im not even gonna trip off this shit. Im listening to music, and it feels nice. I just had a cig with Monike, shes like one of my new bestfriends, she lives close to me, and I love her so much. I have alot of new closer friends now. Like all random people too, but I love them all. Im not even gonna complain about life anymore. I got a ipod shuffle for christmas! & we got Rock Band! I cant wait to play it :D Well, I cant think of anything else to write. So I'll see you soon.

XoXo
Junkie

Castles made of sand

2008-12-14T04:29:06Z

I really dont know what to think anymore.. I feel like my love for a human being has vanished.. Like after loosing Derek, My heart has completely broke into pieces, and I cant love.. Love anyone, or myself. Its the sadest feeling in the world.. Knowing this boy took away my passion, my soul.. my heart my love on another. I dont feel the same anymore. I feel empty, lost, sad, lonely.. I cant even cry. The last time I cried was thursday.. I thought about Derek, and I went through his box of things. I put on his jacket and his rings and held on so tight to the kitty he gave me.. I try not to look back, I really dont anymore. Which is scary. Like my emotions have gone away. As if someone can die and I wouldnt feel a thing. I watch the saddest movies and dont shed a tear. Hear those sad songs and dont shed a tear. Im this wreck, who just sleeps and tries to hide from the world. My heart is so broken, and I dont know what to do.. I didnt think I would feel like this. I stopped thinking about Derek, I thought it was a good thing! But it ended up.. digging this hole in me.. Im so empty.

Melissa Aja Clark is the name of the gal in the black in white photograph. I dont know what she did, but I believe Im sticking to her. I may not be in love with her, or be her girlfriend right now, but I do have love for her. I think about her alot. I dream about her alot, I always just want to be around her. She's just this wonderful girl, who I just adore. Shes sucha pervert, but man, I fucking love it. I feel like I can be myself around her. I love hearing her voice and when she says certain things to me. The way she holds me and just looks at me.. Like, theres just something about her. I dont know what she sees in me.. I always think she's gonna run off with some older hot babe. But she tells me.. those things, that just make me feel for her. I carry her with me, she runs through my mind. I cant ever wait to hear her voice. The way she looks at me, it drives me crazy. Its like she sucks me dry with her eyes. The way she touches me, man.. I love what she does to me. I dont ever want her to leave my life, I think, I would seriously lose it all.

You make me Real.

2008-12-06T04:21:50Z

I really want you, Really do
Really need you, baby, God knows I do
'Cause I'm not real enough without you
Oh, what can I do.
You make me real, You make me feel
Like lovers feel.
You make me throw away mistaken misery
Make me feel love
Make me free.
I really want you
Really do
Really need you, baby
Really do
'Cause I'm not real enough without you
What can I do.
You make me real
Only you, baby
Have that appeal.
So let me slide into your tender sunken sea
Make me feel love
Make me free.
You make me real, all right
You make me feel
Like lovers feel.
You make me throw away mistaken misery
You make me feel love
You make me free.
Make me free
You make me real.