Im seriously confused about everything!
Im not even sure what to think.
I dont know what to do.
I think I should just stay single or something?
I dont know.
UGH.

 

Im not sure what to think of myself. Me & my mother have been fighting so much lately.. Well, cause I've been lying to her, doing drugs behind her back, drinking in the house, just doing some fucked up shit. Ever since I opened up to her, she totally took advantage of my weakness, drugs. She doesnt trust me, she doesnt want me talking to any fucking one. She tries telling me who I do like and who I dont like, who I love and who I dont love. Its not her heart, its mine. Know one will ever know where my heart lies, cause I am ME, there not me!

This year, I told myself that I wasnt going to let anything get in the way of me being happy. That I wouldnt get truely sad. That I wouldnt get truely hurt. That my happiness would go on all year, even in trouble, I would not let anything get in the way, NOTHING. I proved myself so wrong. My heart aches, it bleeds, it hurts, it cries, it screams, it beats slowly now. It doesnt want to go on, it just wants to be in peace. I dont want to live anymore. I dont want to go on living the life of a drug addict, or of an alcoholic. I dont want to live this way. Im afraid of living, afraid of getting out of bed, afraid of waking up and walking out the door. I feel that the only thing coming my way is unhappiness and trouble. Every little thing I do, I get in trouble for it. I just want to run away, I want to get the fuck out of here. I cant live this way anymore. Im tired of feeling the pain, of letting down my family.. and most of all, my own fucking mother. I love her, i really do.. Im just tired of hurting her, and I dont know how to change my own ways.. I dont want to let her down, but it just ends up happening..

No one understands the way i feel, my mother says she knows but she doesnt know anything about me.. She doesnt know the hurt I have in my heart, know one knows.. Just me. My body hurts, and I never ever thought i could feel this way again. That my heart would completely fall of my chest and into my hands.. It did, and now i dont even know how to fix it. I dont know what to do this time. If i knew, me running away wouldnt be a problem, that know one would care, that my mom wouldnt hunt me down, that she wouldnt try to find me, i would leave this world. I would love to get away from all this madness. I need to get away! I dont know how I can survive this any longer. I dont know what happened to me..

I lost my bestfriend, I know I did. We still talk but not as much anymore. I know, that I will always love her, I just cant deal with all this madness.. I dont want to leak any of my bad energy or anything on her or anyone. I only surround myself with all these junkies and all these different people who just want a trip, who just want to get a kick out of something so devious.  I just want to.. feel the end. If I could, I would be high all the time, and I would want to not even give a fuck. Just waist my days being high, and fucked up or drunk off my ass. I want that. I want to not beable to give a fuck about the world. Well WAKE UP JADE, thats never going to happen. My heart doesnt work that way, its too fragil and huge to beable to do that to someone. I just wish I could disapear, and go somewhere beautiful and quiet.

I dont know whats going to happen.. I guess either I make it or I dont..
Farewell.

 

So Christmas was good! I was thizzing, know one knew, accept my cousin Randy. I can trust him though so Its all good. I got a badass coat from my Nina Ct! Only a few members of my familia went to my grandparents, so it was kinda sad. But then i dont know, I had some what of a good time. Although I felt bad for doing lines in my grandparents bathroom. Oh yeah, Im back to my old habits again, smokin weed, drinking, rollin on E. I love it though. So me and Raquel made love the night before christmas eve.. it was sweet. We got so fucking drunk it was crazy! It was sweet, it was my first time going down a girls pants.. And of course it was her first time even kissing a girl. we also ate eachother out.. It was all sweet. I really love her. Its weird cause I see Spam, and I would usually just wanna have sex with her, but I havent been wanting too.. I seen her lastnight, I did a line at home before I went out and then at our friend Corrinas house in her bathroom, then we got high. I had fun though! I've been enjoying myself, I mean, I love my drugs and alcohol It seems nothings gone wrong yet. So im still sticking to it. Lastnight I came in at two in the morning. Spam made me a tyedye shirt its so cute! & She put it in a box full of cheeseits and bandaids and crayons. It was the cutest thing ever!! I've been having some great memories. Even with Niya. We were rollin at school too. And then went and bought cocaine and its all been hella chill. I love my life right now. All though, I hate knowing my drugs will run out and I have no money )): New years is coming up! Hella excited for that! I do love my life right now, I hate it cause the only reason I love it is because the drugs, but then, i think its okay. Whatever. I woke up at five today, haha. Crazy shit. I dont know what im going to do with Spam, I wanna be with her, but then I have Raquel.. But shes all whipped over Kenny. I dont know, Im not even gonna trip off any chicks or guys.. Oh yeah, I've been talking to Mick again, and old feelings have kinda came back. Whatever happends happeneds. Im not even gonna trip off this shit. Im listening to music, and it feels nice. I just had a cig with Monike, shes like one of my new bestfriends, she lives close to me, and I love her so much. I have alot of new closer friends now. Like all random people too, but I love them all. Im not even gonna complain about life anymore. I got a ipod shuffle for christmas! & we got Rock Band! I cant wait to play it :D Well, I cant think of anything else to write. So I'll see you soon.

XoXo
Junkie